About Me

I am a crazy woman, funny and carefree but type A and anal all at the same time. I have two daughters and a Father who's a King...what more do I need?! My goal on this planet is to help His bride: literally (I plan weddings for a living!) and spiritually (I occasionally offer words of wisdom to loved ones...) Bless us all on this journey!

Jesus and His Girl

Jesus and His Girl

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Fallacies of Adultery

This was on Oprah today, so women all over America will be confronting their husbands at dinner tonight on those grounds alone!!! Having been through it though, I thought one particular segment on the show was particularly important. There was one couple on there who were best friends, had sex every day, had been married for decades, laughed and had hobbies together. He still had an affair. So that's the fallacy: they said on the show there is a misconception that affairs only happen in marriages where couples fight a lot or don't have sex anymore. THIS IS NOT TRUE. It's also a misconception that men who have affairs are bad guys, or that an affair is always premeditated. In fact a man may be a great guy with a great marriage and still cheat. There are hundreds of reasons for this, and hundreds of books explaining those reasons! I'm not here to talk about what the reasons are; I'm here to point out what the reasons AREN'T. I was in a good marriage with a good sex life; we were best friends, didn't fight, and not only did we just "never fight" but we held hands and laughed and tickled and all those things that are friends envied. He still cheated. So Oprah says this: no one is immune! That's a scary thought...but a true one.


Elizabeth F. said...

I'm sorry...but yes I do see how this can be true.

Mrs. Sara said...

I was chatting with some coworkers yesterday (three male, one female), and the topic of adultery came up. One of the men said (and I hope this isn't inappropriate talk for your blog), "Women just need to realize that we won't cheat as long as they keep putting out."

I sat aghast for a minute as everyone else agreed with him, and then, because I have a good enough rapport with all these people and felt okay saying it, I put in my two cents. "How about if men just stopped being filthy pigs and using the 'I'm not getting any' excuse to break a life-long vow they made to the woman that loves them?"

They all laughed it off (I assume they were laughing at my naiveté) and made a bunch of excuses. "Oh Sara! Men will be men."

"Funny," I added. "My husband, dad, brother in law, and father in law don't seem to have a problem with cheating. So apparently it IS possible to not cheat."

I'm always shocked at how easy it is for people to justify cheating. "She wasn't meeting my needs" or "He was never home." Why do people think it's okay to break a vow you made not only to your spouse, but also to GOD, as soon as an opportunity presents itself? I'll never understand that.

Mrs. Sara said...

I'm reminded of a quote I heard from a speaker at my DTS: "The devil lurks in the shadow of our strengths."

Nobody is immune to adultery, it's true. But I think it can be especially dangerous if we think, "I'll never cheat!" I've found that of all the sins that I swore I'd never have a problem with, I eventually struggled with each and every one of them. It's when I was humble and honest with myself and said, "Yes, I'm capable of EVERY sin, and if I don't keep a close eye on myself, I might fall into any one of them," that I was less prone to them.

There have been times in my marriage where I've examined myself and found that my heart didn't 100% belong to my husband. The situations were what most people would call "harmless," but it really wasn't. It was just the first small step down the road of adultery, and if I hadn't caught it early and repented, perhaps I would have taken the next step.

In our society, it's so easy for people to take those first small steps. We're surrounded by sexual images, and even something as seemingly "harmless" as admiring someone else's body (darn you, Olympic swimmers!) can easily, EASILY turn into something much more nefarious and harmful to your marriage.

Elizabeth F. said...

I think alot of it has to do with how seriously the people take the marriage commitment to begin with. Some people think it's completely normal to be married 2 or 3 times. Many of their parents or friends ahve done the same thing. And if you take into account non-believers who are not making that commitment to God, they are jsut following the natural progression of their relationship and this is the next step...because it feels right in the moment.

Of course, there are people who are just pigs and have no intention of ever being faithful, but I'm sure the majority are people who intend to be faithful and get caught up in the lies of the enemy and feel justified meeting their fleshly desires.

It's also funny that at Sarah's work they were saying "men will be men" beacuse I think the percentage is pretty close on the number of women that cheat as compared to the numebr of men. It's a widespread epidemic, and men take the wrap. When a man cheats he's a horrible pig! When a woman cheats it's more acceptable to people because they think it's because her husband was mean, uncaring, neglectful or something. Women are given that benefit that men aren't. JMHO. All in all...it's still wrong!

Jenny W said...

The men at Sara's work would be hard pressed to explain our situation then: had sex, still best friends, rarely fought, held hands, had hobbies together. According to the guy on Oprah (whose credentials I have to say I don't know other than this episode!) says this type of adultery is actually more common than we'd all like to admit. Therefore I think Sara you're absolutely right in being honest with ourselves and with our spouses: this can happen to anyone and we have to make sure we never get so arrogant or comfortable that we let our guard down.

Tammy said...

First of all, I want to commend Mrs. Sara for being bold and confronting those people at work. Good for you!!
Secondly, I would like to say that I 100% know that I would NEVER in ANY situation be even tempted to cheat on my husband and I don't find that arrogant or letting my guard down. I find that to be confidently committed to my husband, myself, and my God!!

Yes, I am capable of sin and have hurt others with sins I have committed but I would never and could never hurt another human being in that manner. Seriously, NO ONE could ever even make me think about betraying my dear Kirk in that manner.
IMO Cheating (and I was cheated on multiple times in my first 2 marriages) is one of the most selfish acts and to me says one point blankly just doesn't care enough about the other to spare them the pain of such betrayal. It doesn't mean they don't love the other person or care for them or about them, it does mean they didn't care enough not to hurt them in that manner. I do not go for the "it just happened"..."the devil made me do it"...."i was drunk"..."if you weren't so frigid"..."i was lonely"...."i just couldn't resist the temptation"... "it has nothing to do with my love for you"....AHHHHHHH I have heard it all!!!! it is ALWAYS a choice...period. This topic is a hot one for me.

Jenny W said...

it's ALWAYS a choice. absolutely. for the guy or the girl, whoever does the cheating. in our situation it was "i can't help that i fell in love with her." ok, i'll be nice and give you that for the sake of argument; but you CAN help what you do about it...